Responding to Big Emotions
We all experience big emotions and feel overwhelmed from time to time. When children feel this way, they sometimes react by “flipping their lid.” Let’s face it though—we have all probably seen this happen to adults too. So, let’s learn about this behavior, why it happens, and what you can do.
HOW BRAIN DEVELOPMENT CONTRIBUTES TO “FLIPPING YOUR LID”
Bear with me, as we are getting “science-y” to start out. Dr. Daniel Siegel (I highly recommend his books) creates a model of the brain using your hand (search: Daniel Siegel hand model). This describes what happens when a child experiences big or overwhelming emotions. In his model, your palm represents the inner brain stem (which has been online since early pregnancy). Your thumb is the limbic regions and you can approximate its position when you rest your thumb across your palm. Next curl your fingers over the top of your thumb to create the placement of the cortex. Science has shown that the pre-frontal cortex (which is responsible for thinking and reasoning) begins to develop around 5-7 years of age, and isn’t fully developed until our 20’s. Thus, it is unreasonable for us to expect children under five years old, to have the skills to consistently manage their emotions. Older children and teenagers are still developing the ability to regulate their emotions. As adults, we are likely still a work in progress too.
Back to the brain…when faced with big emotions, children (and sometimes adults) will “flip their lids;” meaning the wiring of the cortex is disconnected (lift those fingers up) while the emotional parts of the brain (thumb) are providing all the input.
When a child’s lid is flipped, it can be scary for them. They don’t feel in control of their body or emotions. There are many reasons a child’s lid may be flipped (see below for a non-exhaustive list).
Your role as a parent is to help them make sense of this and learn skills to help regulate their emotions and bodies. Before a child can self-regulate, they must co-regulate with an adult. While their prefrontal cortex is not developed yet, yours is. And children are born with this incredible ability where their brain can mirror ours. Thus, when our child is dysregulated, if we can take deep breaths, and remain regulated ourselves, our children can follow. Since children don’t have the words to describe this at first, it is the parents’ job to interpret and put words to what their child might be feeling. However, in the heat of the moment, using language may not be an effective tool to help regulate and bring calm.
WHY YOUR CHILD’S LID GETS FLIPPED
There are many reasons children’s lids get flipped. But what it really comes down to is this—it’s a big emotion in a little body, who’s brain is still developing, and they don’t know what else to do. Maybe you ate the last banana, maybe they don’t want to put mittens on, maybe another child did something they didn’t like. Whatever the situation (and whether you agree with the response or not) the emotion of your child is real. They are letting you know they are in distress, which lets you know they need your help.
There are many reasons a child will have a meltdown:
They are tired.
They want their way or feel helpless.
They are hungry.
It’s a time of transition (or they were made to leave something they weren’t done with yet).
They are angry, uncomfortable, frustrated, lonely, sick, etc.
They are overwhelmed— there are too many people, it’s too loud, or there’s too much going on, etc.
They sense you are stressed or overwhelmed.
AVERT MELTDOWNS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN
As the saying goes, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” While big emotions don’t need “curing” (they are part of development), some meltdowns can be prevented.
Create and follow routines. When a child knows the routine and what is expected of them, they are less likely to flip their lid.
Tell your child before you begin a transition. Children don’t understand the concept of time like we do until they are older. So with younger kids, say something like “I am going to get your jacket and shoes. When I return it will be time to stop playing and put them on.”
Spend time with your child to preemptively fill their cup. As Pam Leo says: “Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love, or we spend time dealing with behaviors caused from their unmet needs; either way, we spend the time.”
Look for patterns in your child’s behavior. Do they always flip their lid around 10am? Maybe they need a snack around 9:45, or a nap, quiet time, or reading a book with you.
Offer your child choices. It’s important for children to feel a sense of autonomy. This is easy to do by giving your child choices. Only offer choices in which both answers are acceptable. For instance, do not ask “Do you want to put your coat on?” Instead ask: “Would you like to put your shoes or coat on first?”
If you feel a meltdown may be coming on, stop what you are doing and focus on your child. Try to address what is happening before your child flips their lid. Laughter can also be a great release. Try being silly, but don’t negate their experience!
Know what is really important and what isn’t. Is the child’s request outrageous or is it something you can work with? Do you have to leave *right this second* or can you pause to breathe, regroup, try again? (Remember, you will likely spend the time either way…wink)
RESPONDING TO BIG EMOTIONS
You may not always know (or agree with) the reason for the big emotions, you can still respond in a calm, empathetic manner. If you react instead of intentionally responding, your reaction may escalate the situation. If you are able to remain calm, not only are you modeling that, you are also giving your child’s neurons a chance to mirror your calm.
Unfortunately, many times children learn that those they love and rely on most (their parents and caregivers) get angry at them when they are experiencing big emotions, even though the child isn’t doing it to upset you. Your reaction can be even more frightening than losing control over their own emotions. It is important to respond with empathy. Eventually it will be help to try to understand, process, and teach new skills (though empathy and calm are the initial priority). However, in the moment, overusing language is not an effective tool to help regulate and bring calm.
Try this next time your child is experiencing big emotions:
Ensure your child is in a safe place. If they are not, gently help them to a safer place.
Breathe. Take deep breaths and remain (or find) calm yourself.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. “It looks like you are really upset.”
Empathize.“I can understand why you are upset that [X] happened” or “I would be mad too if [X] happened to me.” Feeling understood can be a powerful thing. It is sometimes enough to dissipate the emotion.
Let your child know you are there for them, will keep them safe, and when they are able you can talk about it more. “I’m here for you.” Or “You can be as mad as you want to be, but I will not let you hurt me or others.” (You can try to find an alternative behavior, like stomping their feet.) The words you use have to be authentic to who you are, not a script you read somewhere. Remember to monitor the tone of your voice: calm and even.
Stay as close as you can. Each child responds differently when they flip their lid. Some want their parents close, others need space. Stay close enough to step in if need be, yet allow your child to express their emotion and have space if they request it.
Hold your limit/boundaries. If the meltdown started because you set a limit your child did not like, do not give in to their demands. Instead, empathize with the emotion and hold your boundary. You can always make a different choice next time you are in the situation.
Wait. Do not talk too much when your child has flipped their lid. Give them time to let it all out. Feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Let it come to its natural conclusion.
Later, when everyone is calm and regulated again:
Remind your child that you care about them and are glad they are feeling better.
Talk about what happened before the meltdown. Do not punish your child for behavior during the meltdown, as it likely felt out of their control. You can still address their behavior and let them know certain behavior is not acceptable (like hitting).
Do not minimize your child’s emotions. Remember, the emotions are real. Validate them.
Make a mental note of what lead to the event (time, location, when they last ate or napped, etc) and come up with a plan for how to avoid that situation in the future.
Adjust the rest of your day as necessary. Sometimes when a child has had a meltdown, they need the whole day to recover (and so do their parents). It is emotionally exhausting and scary. Try to have extra patience with your child and be prepared for normal tasks (like a bedtime routine) to take a little longer than normal. Use that time to continue to connect. Other times, letting all those emotions out allows your child to move on with their day (and they may bounce back quicker than you).
It’s important to take time to understand why your child is reacting the way they do. The brain development piece can help, but also look at the individual situation.
Every child will, at some point, experience big emotions in a public place. Do not fret. Take deep breaths and find your calm. Respond similarly to how you would respond in other settings. Some parents choose to remove their child from that situation and take their child to a more private place. Others choose to let their child stay where they are as long as it is a safe environment. Determine what is best for you and your child. Then proceed confidently.
Flipping your lid can be a learning experience for everyone involved. This is a great opportunity to talk with your child about how to handle big emotions, what you do when you feel upset/angry/helpless/etc., and what your child can do in the future when they feel like this again. While the brain is still developing, children can learn skills to manage their emotions.
What works one day might not work another, so keep trying different responses. When you find something that works, keep it consistent. If that stops working, try something else. Understanding, patience, and consistency can help stop meltdowns in their tracks!
