Creating Expectations
Clearly stated expectations provide children with a sense of purpose, knowing what their role is. Children thrive when they know what is expected of them and have consistent expectations.
Consider these suggestions when creating expectations with your family:
Decide as a parent/caregiver your non-negotiable expectations. Keep your non-negotiables to a minimum. Know which expectations you are willing to let slide sometimes, and which you are willing to stand firm on. “Always wear seatbelts in the car” or “No hitting” could be non-negotiable expectations. Think about why certain expectations are important to you, and how you can explain this to your child(ren). The expectations must apply to everyone, so if you choose “no hitting,” that means children cannot hit children or adults, and adults cannot hit adults or (spank) children. Often times your non-negotiables are based on your values.
Seek input from everyone who lives with you. It is important to have children participate in these decisions (age-appropriately). When children help make the rules, they are more likely to follow them. Too many rules can be overwhelming to both parents and kids. Sometimes there are too many rules and kids feel like they aren’t doing anything right.
Choose age-appropriate expectations. An infant or toddler should not be expected to pick up after themselves; however, an elementary-aged child can usually do this (oftentimes with reminders).
State expectations clearly, specifically, and in a positive way, if possible. For example, instead of “Don’t play in the street!” try “When you play outside, I want you to stay in the yard.” The more children feel they are allowed to do, the less likely they are to be upset when they are not allowed to do something. Instead of “Knock it off!” Which for a toddler who interprets everything literally could be a disaster. Try “Please stop hitting that on the coffee table. It hurts my ears and isn’t safe. You can do [X] instead."
Discuss important expectations regularly. Sometimes we have to hear things multiple times before we remember. Discuss rules when all are calm and together (meal time, bedtime, etc.). Remind everyone what they are, why they are important, and what it looks like in practice.
Engage your child(ren) to decide if and when some expectations might change. Especially as children get older, they may want to negotiate more on some expectations. For example, as your child grows, they may want to take on more responsibility.
HELPING CHILDREN UNDERSTAND
If your child is having difficulty with a certain expectation, take time to talk with them about it outside of the situation. First, try through play. If your child is being rough with the dog, even after clearly stating your expectations, practice how you want them to interact with the dog on a stuffed animal. Make it fun! Plus, we all learn faster through play.
If that isn’t possible or doesn’t work, try discussing it directly: get on their level and start a conversation. Talk about the expectation, explain what it means or why it’s important, and ask your child to repeat the expectation in their own words. Ask how they might handle the situation next time and ask for their feedback. You can also ask if they understand the expectation. Repeat as necessary.
Catch them making good choices and comment on it!
Want suggestions on responding when your child doesn’t follow the expectations? Read our resources on “Creating Consequences” and “Setting and Enforcing Boundaries.”
