Setting and Enforcing Boundaries
Boundaries help children feel secure and safe. When boundaries are clear and known, it actually encourages children to explore their environment more. As they get older, children need to understand why these boundaries are important.
As Brené Brown so vividly describes “Parenting is like sending kids on a rickety bridge over a thousand foot ravine. The parents’ job is to provide the guardrails: Predictability, stability, and boundaries.”
Children raised in families who struggle to set boundaries often struggle to set boundaries themselves as teens and adults. If you grew up in a house that was either very strict or very lax, you may have difficulty knowing where to set the boundaries with your own children.
We’re here to help! Review this information to guide how you set boundaries in the future.
1. Let your children have a say in choosing the boundaries or expectations (when possible) (see resource titled “Creating Expectations”).
Even young children have ideas of guidelines they would like see the family follow. When children help choose the expectations, they are more likely to follow them.
With younger children, you will have to set more of the boundaries. However, as children age, they will want to negotiate and be more included in this discussion.
2. Know your boundaries and limits. Teach your children what they are. Pre-determine what boundaries are negotiable and which are not.
Set them up for success! Choose age-appropriate boundaries, and teach them appropriate alternatives. Preventing a child from experiencing emotions is unreasonable, as emotions are healthy and natural responses. However, just because the emotion is acceptable, doesn’t mean the behavior is. Setting boundaries around behaviors (like hitting) is reasonable.
Teach the boundary as clearly as possible. If you don’t want your child to play in the street, you can tell them, “When you play outside, I want you to stay in the yard.” Try to make the boundaries clear and defined.
Anticipate stating the boundaries frequently. Children will not remember what the expectation is after hearing it once. Reiterate the boundary prior to needing them and when everyone is calm, not just when they are being broken. For example, as your child heads outside to play say “Remember to stay in the yard, please.”
3. Be able to clearly state why this is the boundary or expectation. Part of your responsibility is to keep your children safe. It is also important to honor your values, goals, and comfort levels and share those with your children. When children understand why you set the limit where you do, they are more likely to follow it. “When you stay in the yard, it helps keep you safe.”
4. Start with your most important expectations. If you have too many expectations:
You may feel overwhelmed with making so many demands of your child.
Your child will not be able to remember them all.
Your child may feel like they don’t do anything right and are in trouble all the time. This may negatively impact their self-esteem. They may also quit trying to follow any rules since they can’t seem to do it right.
The consequences may take over, and leave little room for positive interactions or good behavior to emerge.
BUT, if your children know and can follow the most important rules, other behaviors are also likely to improve.
5. Choose what, if any, the consequences will be together (see resource “Creating Consequences”). Children are often very good at creating consequences. They sometimes choose harsher consequences than you would, so you might have to rein them in a bit.
Choose a consequence that “fits” with the rule that was broken. In “Creating Consequences” you can learn more about natural vs. logical consequences, as well as the difference between discipline and punishment.
Ensure everyone knows what the consequence is before the action occurs. If it’s a new scenario (or even if it’s not), it can be important to remind them of the limit and the consequence.
6. When boundaries are broken, follow through with the chosen consequence. Explain, in words your child understands, what they did that was unwanted, what behavior you would like to see next time, and what the consequence is. Follow through.
7. Catch then making good choices and comment on it! Say things like “I saw how you chose to stay in the yard while playing. Thank you!” Or “Thanks for telling me ‘all done’ when you were ready to leave the table.”
8. Be consistent. Expectations, boundaries, and limits are most effective when consistent. The consequences should be consistent, too. If children get different responses at different times, they will likely test that limit (again and again and again) to see what your reaction will be. This testing will go on much longer than if you are consistent from the beginning.
The goal of setting boundaries is to help keep your child safe, and for them to learn to set their own boundaries and develop self-control. By allowing them to be a part of this process, you are helping them develop these skills.
Here is a quick review. Ask yourself the following questions (and revise your limits accordingly):
Are the limits actually important?
Are they reasonable for your child?
Are they clear enough for your child to understand?
Do they tell your child what to do as well as what not to do?
Do you apply and enforce them consistently?
Do you encourage your children to set their own limits?
