Creating Consequences
After you have your expectations clearly stated and everyone understands them, it is time to decide what the consequences will be if they are not abided by. Knowing the consequence ahead of time ensures consistency in your role as parent, and helps everyone know what to expect if they break a boundary.
It is important to get all family members’ input on the consequences, especially that of your children. Since both adults and children will have to complete the consequence of a rule that is not followed, it is important that all family members have a say in the consequence.
Choose consequences that fit the misbehavior and can be effectively carried out. Grounding a child for a week because they didn’t wear their helmet is a long time; it’s likely the child will only be upset at you for this consequence instead of remembering to wear their helmet. Plus, who wants to enforce that punishment? It likely wouldn’t be good for either of you!
In order for expectations and consequences to be effective, everyone must know what they are, and they must be followed consistently (not just based on your mood or the time of day).
PUNISHMENT VS. DISCIPLINE
Punishment: Punishment is a penalty and usually involves depriving your child of something. Punishment is used after a problem occurs, is negative or unpleasant, and focuses on what was wrong. It is handed down to someone from a person with authority.
Discipline: Discipline comes from the word “disciple” and means “to teach.” Discipline is nurturing and guiding: it helps people learn what to do and encourages self-control and confidence. Parents serve as a teacher, model, and guide to their children. The goal of discipline is to prevent problems before they arise, and for your child to learn that rewards come from within. For example, the child who oversleeps will learn very quickly that there will be consequences if they don’t get up on time. They learn that getting up on time means they will not miss out on things that are important and have the energy to participate fully in their activities.
Here are some examples of punishment vs. discipline:
Punishment:
A reaction based in emotion
Focuses on making the child suffer (thus, teaches the child not to get caught again)
Places the responsibility of enforcing consequences on the parent
Says “You did something wrong and are bad.”
Implies the person is bad, wrong
Focuses on the current failure
Is often unpredictable
Discipline:
A response from a place of intentionality
Can have a natural or logical consequence that the child can understand
Helps the child learn self-discipline and responsibility
Says “Stop. Do something else instead.”
Implies the behavior is wrong
Sets the child up for success in the future
Should be consistent
Punishment tends to come more easily to people, as it is a reaction based on the emotion we experience. Chances are you have been punished at some point, and can recall what it felt like. Punishment often happens when you don’t know what else to do, or are upset or tired. Discipline takes thoughtfulness and requires you to guide your child. In the long run, discipline will have a much more positive effect on your child and the decisions they make.
Choosing how and when to discipline or offer consequences doesn’t come naturally to everyone; but hopefully, you will learn this skill for yourself and your family’s benefit with a little help and plenty of practice.
NATURAL VS. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Natural Consequences: A natural consequence happens without you intervening. It can be carried out by nature, society, or another person. A natural consequence will happen with or without you. If your child refuses to eat dinner, the natural consequence is that they will be hungry. Natural consequences are good because as a parent, you are not the enforcer, and you don’t even have to see or know what happened. Natural consequences are effective when they are undesirable and not interfered with.
Logical Consequences: A logical consequence is created as a repercussion that “fits” the behavior. For example, if a child dumps out all the blocks, a parent may tell them they have to pick them up. This is a logical consequence as cleaning up undoes the dumping out. Giving a child a time out or spanking them are not logical consequences since the consequence doesn’t fit a behavior. Logical consequences help the child learn to be responsible and make amends when they make mistakes or misbehave.
USING NATURAL OR LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Natural consequences are beneficial and allow a person to experience the consequences without involvement of another. Therefore, there is no “enforcer” and no one to be the “bad guy.” This is very helpful in some situations.
However, there are times when natural consequences might not be effective (like when the repercussion is something the child doesn’t mind). Let’s say your child finds and eats cookies without you seeing. In this scenario, there may not even be a natural consequence depending on how much the child ate. Therefore, initially it feels like a good thing (eating cookies) and either a natural consequence doesn’t happen, or happens much later (tummy ache, vomiting) so they may not connect the two.
There are also times when the natural consequence is too severe; for example not wearing their seat belt could be fatal. Therefore, sometimes logical consequences are beneficial.
Logical consequences should be discussed ahead of time. After you know the expectations for your family, discuss what the consequences will be for anyone who breaks them. You can also state a consequence right before it is given, such as “if you choose to dump out those toys, you will pick them up before moving on to another activity.” There will be times when you have not discussed a consequence to a situation, and it is important that you—the parent—create and enforce a consequence on the spot. Remember to take a deep breath and choose a logical consequence based on reason, not emotion (from a place of anger). Also not all behaviors need consequences, sometimes we can choose to move on (or clean up the mess ourselves) and address it at another time, when we are able to be more intentional about it.
